My life would've taken a completely different path if you were here today, and I've thought of that every single day you've been gone. Life threw us a curve ball and that pushed us to make big decisions that we wouldn't have made otherwise. Since we found out we weren't bringing home a baby, we decided to buy an investment property instead of our first home with you. Since we found out we weren't bringing home a baby, we didn't book that family vacation we had always imagined. Since we found out we weren't bringing home a baby, decorating your room was put on halt, and it remained an office. Since we found out we weren't bringing home a baby, we cancelled our plans in celebrating you with family and friends. See, when we found out we weren't bringing you home, our lives changed track and lead us to a different life. I've had to learn to let go of the person I was when I thought I'd be bringing home a baby.
Life never got easier, it only taught me how to keep on living a life without you in it, and I am still learning. So much has changed around me; Dreams, plans, and people. The only thing that hasn't changed, that has remained constant, is how much I love you and miss you every single day. Grasping on to the person I used to be, before I even knew you, has been the most challenging quest of my life. However, I realize that perhaps I am not meant to find her again, maybe I am meant to leave her behind and allow this new me to breed into existence, to allow your absence to become the new version of myself I am becoming.
You would've been turning 2, and all I can think about is all the different decisions we would've made if you were here. You should've been here. Instead, we got thrown a curve ball.
Curve·ball: A pitch thrown with a strong downward spin, causing the ball to drop suddenly and veer to the side as it approaches home plate.
A strong downward spin seems to depict that correctly, causing my life to drop suddenly and veer to the side. That baseball definition comes pretty close to putting my life into one word.
Life has a funny way of unraveling your story . If you pay close attention, you will find that it is filled with small, short moments, only for you to connect those moments together far after you've experienced them. I'm not saying this has all happened for a reason - I whole heartedly disagree with that rationale (if you want to call it that). However, moments and experiences don't occur unless another one ends, and they end up connecting on so many levels that it can change your entire perception of yourself. Losing you has completely changed who I am, and I just keep wondering who I would've been, who you would've been, and who we would've been with you in our lives, if you were here celebrating your 2nd birthday.
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