Today I am 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant with baby no. 2. Somehow, this milestone almost slipped right from under me today. Milo was this exact gestational age when he was born, and I held him for the first time.
This bittersweet feeling has had me emotionally tied up in knots today. On one side I am grateful I’m able to see a future with this current baby at this gestation age, but on the other hand I feel resentful, angry, sad, and still grieving that Milo didn’t get to live passed this age.
Feeling grateful and grieving simultaneously is something of a new experience for me and has become part of this pregnancy-after-loss journey. I hate that I can’t enjoy this pregnancy like a normal person should. Whatever normal looked like to me, I don’t live that life. I feel I am living more in my grief of my baby loss than the gratitude of this upcoming baby, and I’ve thought about why that is.
I think the loss of Milo is just overall heavier than the expected excitement that awaits us. I met Milo, I held him, I know what he smelled like, I know what he looked like, I fell in love with him. I have yet to meet this baby and to develop that bond like I did with Milo. There is no doubt that I will. I tell myself that perhaps it is natural for the burden of losing Milo to bear more weight than the happiness of my current pregnancy.
Today I realized that every day after this one will be a totally new experience with this baby. Although I have felt a lot of new experiences with his pregnancy compared to the last one, I haven’t lived the time I will have as of now. That is something.
I know that some day that will change, however as I will witness this baby grow and develop, I will always wonder what it would’ve looked like to see Milo grow too. Amid grief is truly where we are reminded that love still exists. And if that’s true, I will forever be grieving for Milo.
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