I had just gotten the bad news at my appointment at Eco Medic clinic, that there was something wrong with my baby. They had urgently suggested I see my doctor. While on my way to the doctor, I kept picturing the technician’s face. The look of concern and pity, with emotion behind her eyes that reflected into mine. A foreshadow of my pain.
“I’m so sorry”, she would repeat.
“I still don’t understand what there is to be sorry about. What’s going on?” I kept
thinking.
Making my way to the doctor’s office, I cried while sitting in traffic the whole way there. My husband came to meet me and after waiting two and a half hours, the doctor finally came to see us in a designated room. As I lay on the hospital bed, she sat down next to me, with my husband standing on my opposite side. There was no small talk, no apology; she got right to the point. Holding my hand for support, she began telling me there was no amniotic fluid surrounding my baby. None whatsoever! She said that it is likely due to failure of kidney development, which produces the amniotic fluid in the sac. Aside from allowing free movement for the baby, the fluid also plays a large part in lung development. Without the proper development of these vital organs, it would be impossible for a baby to survive on its own outside the womb.
Let me take a breath, this part is hard to swallow.
As my husband’s head planked into his hands, my eyes filled with tears. My head was spinning as I continued to ask several more questions.
“What does this mean?”, “How was this caused?”, “Tell me there is something
specialists can do to save my baby?”, “Is it possible you are wrong?”, “What do I do
now”?
Every woman’s worst nightmare was realized for me in that moment. I dropped my head back on the pillow staring at the ceiling in shock, asking myself if I was dreaming.
“This can’t be happening”, I thought.
There’s a strange feeling that overcomes you when you experience something this unexpected. It felt like I was in between worlds, and I just walked into a place where dreams go to die.
As I lay there in disbelief, the doctor continued to inform me that Saint Justine Hospital held a team of renowned specialists that dealt with complicated pregnancies, and they would provide additional testing that would help me answer all the questions I had. The prognosis did not look good either way. She instructed me that she would fax over my file to them and they would call me for an appointment.
I waited ten days for the appointment with the doctors at Saint Justine hospital. Those ten days were the longest I had ever lived. Jumping from hope to despair several times a day. I was holding on to the hopes that the doctor was wrong, that there had to be some amniotic fluid because I could feel my baby kicking every now and then. His heartbeat was so strong. I was getting good at convincing myself that this was all one big misunderstanding. Doctors make mistakes too after all. Ten days was too long for me to wait for answers, and so I did what anyone else would have; Googled. I have never done so much research on a specific topic than I did that day. “Low amniotic fluid – what does it mean?” The term is called Oligohydramnios.
That day I wasn't ready to leave the hospital in such despair, so I asked, no I begged the doctor to provide me with some type of hope.
"Please don't tell me this is it. Tell me there is more, a chance of survival, of over coming
this", I begged.
With tears in her eyes, still holding on to my hand, she gave me exactly what I asked for.
"You should always hold on to hope", she professed.
I left the hospital doing just that, knowing deep down she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I suppose there is no harm in giving someone some peace of mind for a few days, knowing their world is inevitably about to turn upside down.
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