I keep imagining a 3-year-old running around, playing with his little sister, fighting over toys and attention. I keep picturing what our lives would have looked like if my son was still here. Chaotic, I’m sure. I think he and Amelia would’ve had the same eyes. Even though Milo never opened his, I can tell he had his father’s eyes. Big, brown, and beautiful. Every milestone Amelia went through, I always wonder if Milo would’ve met his at the same time and in the same way. I know our lives would be different if he were here. We wouldn’t have bought the house we did, and we likely wouldn’t have had Amelia, but I like to imagine he would have been a part of it all. Missing one child while raising another is truly bittersweet. It is imagining that they are there for every life decision you make, and wondering how their presence would’ve impacted your decisions. I’ll never stop thinking about him, missing him, and wondering what would’ve been. I have been battling through feelings of guilt lately, primarily because I don’t give his memory as much attention as I used to. Raising a 1-year-old has been wild and has taken up a lot of space in my life. I don’t want Milo to slip away from our lives simply because he isn’t here, so I continue to commemorate his memory whenever I can. He would’ve been 3 years old this year, and not a day goes by that I don’t long to hold him again. I hope he knows how much I loved him and how much it pained me that I had to let him go, and that I couldn’t hold him any longer. The image of leaving him in the hospital bed still stays with me. I’ll never get over that. The heart of a mother who has lost her son bleeds wide open until it stops beating. Until that day, I can only bask in the love I have for him, speak his name often, and keep him in my heart today and for always. Happy 3rd heavenly birthday my sweetest Milo.
Signed, A mother without her son xx
Comments