Sense of Control

It has been 233 days since I lost my baby boy (7 months and 18 days for those trying to do the math). There's been layers and layers of emotions, of taking one step forward and two steps back, even though some days it feels like one leap off the ledge. It may come to no surprise that depression has settled with me and made itself a home. I'm dealing with it, but I wish I didn't have to.

One of the hardest challenges post baby loss is letting go of control. When I first lost my baby I felt ashamed, like my body didn't "function" the way it's meant to. I didn't want to be ashamed, I didn't want to try and hide it. Why do we all pretend we're okay when we're not? I'm not okay. I let myself dream what it would be like with my baby, now I'm just left with this empty lonely feeling. Then I realized that I couldn't possibly be the only one feeling this, so I reached out. Communicating with other women with baby loss who are so supportive, compassionate and understanding, can be so empowering. Unfortunately, not everyone responds the same. I've also had to close the door on other people I used to think of as family. For one reason or another, they weren't able to show compassion towards me, only judgment and hate. That's okay. I closed that door now, and I gained nothing but empowerment and peace from it. Recently, I've lost my job through no fault of my own. Due to my baby loss, I had to take some time off work to grieve my son, and a few weeks upon my return I found myself unemployed. The person who threw me under the bus was like a mentor to me. She teamed up with my boss and he (Yes, He), decided my baby loss wasn't a good enough reason. So much for compassion. I realized I wouldn't find it there. That's okay. I've started my own company now and it is flourishing! I wasn't hurt by the loss of my job, but rather of the betrayal and audacity to discriminate against me, because of something I had no control over. That brings me to one of the things I've had difficulty with the most; letting go of control. Letting go of the people who hurt me, of the judgment, the disappointment, but most importantly, of not having my baby in my arms right now.

The worst thing about loss is that you have zero control over anything, this stuff just happens to you and it sucks! And after several nights of crying on the bathroom floor, one day you get up. You begin to do the things you do have control over, and all of those people who disappointed you, the ones who kicked you while you were down, they no longer take up room in your life. You find yourself surrounded with good people you chose, with a career you are proud of, and maybe, with a little bit of hope and a lot of patience, a positive pregnancy test! (One day).

I still have my moments when I cry on the bathroom floor. That's the things about losing a baby, just when you think you're doing better, something knocks you off your feet and you feel you're right back where you started. Except that you're not. You pick yourself off from the last fall, this time with loving people and all the right decisions you made for yourself. So, in the end we do have control, it's just not as obvious as we'd expect. Shake off what you can't control, and when you're ready, start controlling what you can.

Keep loving yourselves Mama's!

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